Ah, the back to school season. A terrible time for students, but a period of joy for their parents. The exception is shopping for back to school, where the dynamic is reversed. Many people try to avoid the chaos ensuing at local stores by either shopping well in advance or making their purchases online.
However you choose to acquire the necessary gear for your tots this fall, here are some school supplies you can definitely afford to miss.
1) This pencil case. Its screaming face may mirror your kid’s internal horror of being forced to return to school, but it’ll also haunt his nightmares.
“Please, someone. End my torment! Anyone!”
2) This “F*** school” shirt. Gets your kid walked out of the building and you walked in… to have a meeting with the principal.
Looks like school f***ed you.
3) This notebook adorned with Nicolas Cage’s grin. I know what you’re thinking: “That meme is so funny, though!” But ask yourself, is this really a face you want looking at your child every day?
You don’t say…
4) This vibrating pen. I think the less I say about this, the better.
There’s nothing wrong with good old BiCs, OK?! Or if you feel like splurging, go Uni-ball.
5) This Frozen-themed alarm clock. If the song itself doesn’t wake your child, the sound of you smashing the clock in rage after hearing “Let it Go” for the 50th time certainly will.
Put down that sharpened icicle before you do something we both regret!
6) This Givenchy backpack. If you’re going to spend $1,300 on a sack for your kid, you might as well go for one decorated with screaming primates.
I don’t understand haute couture. I’m assuming that’s what this is, right?
7) These sneaker high heels. More likely to cause a sprained ankle than get your daughter interested in P.E.
Chuck Taylor’s legacy lives on! Lucky him.
8) This pencil holder that looks like a crumpled cardboard cup. With a little fruitful searching in a cafeteria recycling bin, your child can easily recreate it for free!
Bonus: Slap on a fake Starbucks label and take it from modern to luxurious.
9) This 11.5-inch long calculator. Flip that baby over and it doubles as a lunch tray.
It can’t do exponents, it can’t graph… but boy, does it have pizzazz!
10) This fake book you can hide a phone in, allowing for covert use. But have your children consider this low-cost alternative: not using their phones in class.
You can text your dealer later, sweetie.
We hope you enjoy shopping for back to school… well, we hope the experience is tolerable, anyway. As you sift (or click) through the numerous school supplies, you’ll probably be fine as long as you remember not to pick up any of this stuff. But you’re required to tweet at us if you do!