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Moms are awesome! They gave us life, for one thing, and they’ve had our backs ever since. Mother’s Day is a well-deserved holiday where we honor everything about Mom, and many people like to celebrate by giving their mothers a present. If you’re still looking for the right gift, you can steer clear of any of these options.

1. This anatomically realistic one-pound gummy heart candy. Recommended only if your mother is a genuine, bonafide zombie. And if that’s the case, please refrain from inviting me to any upcoming family dinners.



2. This heart-shaped flask. I mean, you and I both know that you drive your mom to drink. But is it really necessary to remind her of that? Just let the woman dull her pain in peace. Hey, at least this one’s not anatomical, right?


3. A DVD copy of “Heavenly Creatures.” This delightful movie is about a young girl who teams up with a friend to murder her mother. Other titles to stay away from: “Carrie,” “Savage Grace,” and “My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done.” Yikes.


4. These beef jerky roses. Look, I don’t know your mom. Maybe she would love some beef for Mother’s Day. But if that’s the route you want to take, why not take your $53 and put that toward a New York strip steak? Or hell, at least a T-bone. Who could object to a good T-bone? ...Vegans, maybe.


5. This set of extra extra long press-on nails. Now, we all know that being a mom is a lot of work, and I fully appreciate the sentiment behind wanting to give your mother a break. However, the way to do that is not by removing her ability to use her hands altogether.


6. A “hot mama” t-shirt or any variant thereof. I do, however, recommend this is as a gift to your Gen Z younger sibling. Trust me. Those kids love irony.


7. This mug with a special message. While you may wish you had never been born, what’s done is done. Why remind your mom of what could have been? Then again, if not for you, she wouldn’t be able to partake in this fabulous holiday. So, you win some, you lose some, I guess.


8. Fake chocolate or other prank gifts. Does your mother really deserve this? She has to put up with you already. If you really want to do something to shock her, how about, I don’t know, getting an actual nice present. That could be your “big surprise” this year.


9. A new pet. An animal is not an object, and bringing one into your home is a major responsibility. Even if you’re confident that your mom would be overjoyed with a brand new lizard friend, that is the kind of thing you should discuss with her before you go ahead and buy it. So yes, do cancel that order you’re about to place with exotic-animals-illegal-to-export.net.


10. And finally, this I Love Dad necklace. Especially don’t do this if your parents are divorced, OK? At best, she’ll probably think you started the Mother’s Day drinking without her.


So, now that you know what not to buy for Mother’s Day, the question of what you should get still stands. Well, think about what she likes. And you don’t have to just look at material options here, either – in general, what makes your mother happy? You never know; the very best gift for your mother could be one that won’t cost you a penny... a day away from her kids. Just sayin’.


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