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I know it’s hard to believe, but I am actually totally single. That’s fine, though! The long, long hours spent alone are starting to become bearable. Having said that, I have also been a faithful Tinder user for longer than I’d care to admit but haven’t had much success. Could the problem be my unpleasant personality? No way, it’s clearly everyone else.

My many months (I’m not saying how many) spent on Tinder have given me the time to observe certain patterns in people’s behavior that I recommend against imitating. Does anyone care about my opinions? No. Am I going to share them with you anyway? Absolutely! Here’s how to start being a better citizen of Tinder today.

  1. Don’t immediately ask for social media. It’s really weird when you greet someone and their response is something like, “Hey. Snapchat?” Talk for a little while. Get a sense of whether or not there’s even a connection before you start demanding access to this stranger’s personal life.

  2. Don’t make Tinder profiles for your pets. This is something I see from time to time. I guess these people feel their pet is really cute and that making a Tinder profile for it is a cute thing to do. Well, it’s not. It’s creepy. Your dog doesn’t want to be on Tinder; he wants you to take him for a freaking walk.

  3. Don’t have a blank profile. Look, even I can put my few remaining brain cells to work and come up with something to say about myself. Leaving your profile empty will make people think that either your profile is very old or that you have no personality.

  4. But also don’t resort to reusing stuff from other people’s profiles. I can’t even count the number of profiles I’ve seen that share at least one line of the same material, verbatim. No one is impressed by “Your mom will love me” or “Inquire within” or some joke that was only funny once.

  5. Do make sure your settings are accurate. For example, if you’re straight, you should not be selecting to see “men and women” in your search options. As a gay guy, it’s a bit of a letdown to see a hottie whose profile then states he’s looking for a “nice girl.” You can change this setting at any time, so go in and make sure it’s correct.

  6. Don’t mention qualifiers on who should swipe left on you. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Are you really attractive enough to be doing this? Are you?

  7. Do include actual photos with your face in your profile. I don’t know why some people choose not to do this. A picture of just your arm or back or thigh is not going to make me swipe right, no matter how wonderful your physique is.

  8. And definitely don’t use someone else’s face pictures. This should be obvious, but believe me, it happens.

  9. Do make an effort to actually converse. You are not God’s gift to the world, and the other people on Tinder are not there just to entertain you. Even if you aren’t looking for anything serious, you still need to at least try to have a decent dialogue.

  10. Do be nice to people. Don’t ignore them. Don’t make rude comments about their names or appearances. The Golden Rule applies online, too – I think that’s good advice.

What do you think? Do these behaviors bug you too, or is it just me? Maybe I’m just trapped in a perpetual state of annoyance and Tinder has nothing to do with it.

...I doubt it, though.

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