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TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20)

It’s been a real long time since you got to jump in the sack, so you’re just really trying not to bite anyone’s head off or hump the mailman. On the 19th as that Libra moon comes up, someone is going to try telling you “don’t fight fire with fire” in regards to screaming at some white supremacist dude, but you have full permission to tell that person to fuck off, because screw those guys. They absolutely deserve to be set on fire.


GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 21)

Somehow, your mouth is even bigger than normal this month, Gemini. God help us all. You’ll be tempted to help someone solve a problem and play detective, but it’s probably better that you channel that energy into your favorite true crime show or something productive like minding your own goddamn business for once. You’ve been on the outs with some of your friends lately, but with the full moon on the 19th, you’ll realize it’s definitely your fault you got kicked out of the cult. Show them you are willing to do a blood sacrifice to prove your dedication to your true family – bring a couple of virgins and baby sheep, just in case you need them.