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Sometimes, I just don’t want to cook. Actually, sometimes I don’t want to do anything beyond staying in bed, closing my eyes, and pretending I’m in another world far away… so far away… But everyone needs to eat, so I’ve worked with a very special nonexistent team of nutritionists to put together some super-quick “recipes” I’m capable of executing even when I feel as though I’m expending all my energy simply trying to maintain sanity! So, whether you’re trying to save time or just put in the minimal effort possible to sustain life, these five-minute meals will meet your needs.

Not’cho healthiest choice Nachos


Take some tortilla chips and put them on a plate. Then sprinkle as much shredded cheese as you require on top. You can use non-dairy cheese if you’re vegan or you like spending extra money. Put this in the microwave for, like, a minute. Maybe more. Maybe less. I don’t know your microwave. You can add salsa, canned black beans, sliced jalapeno peppers, or whatever else you have the energy to reach for. If you don’t have a microwave, use a blowtorch. You can also substitute the chips and cheese for a trip to Taco Bell.

Non-Instant (I said five minutes, not three seconds) Oatmeal


I’m pretty sure you use like half a cup of oats and a cup of liquid. Maybe it’s the other way around…? I think directions are on the package, so follow that. You can use milk, but I just use water, which would enable me to make this even if I had absolutely no food but oats in my house. Think of that! It’s only happened to me one or nine times. When the oatmeal’s done, you can add some brown sugar and maple syrup if you need to drown your sorrows in sweetness. Or, if you want to delude yourself into thinking you’re “fit,” toss in some dried fruit and nuts.

Rice Cake Thing I came up with at 3 a.m.


Spread some cream cheese on rice cakes. Then take some spinach leaves and stick them on. Then add a dash or two of hot sauce. That’s it. You can also include extra things like onions, but I don’t really like slicing onions because I don’t want to cry… again that day. Other ingredients you could also consider adding would be peppers, olives, or trazodone.

PBJ (pretty bad job) Sandwich


Search for two pieces of non-moldy bread. Spread some peanut butter on one slice and jelly on the other one, then put them together. You can also fry this. You can also swap out any of the components for cheese.

Saltines with literally anything


Life hack!!!! You can pretty much put anything edible with saltine crackers and it’ll be good. Eggs? Sure. Canned tuna? Naturally! Powdered sugar? Give it a shot. The already chewed-up saltine you’ve been eating? Go for it. The list is practically endless. Even if you don’t have any other ingredients to use, you can always season the crackers with your tears. They add a certain savory flavor that table salt just can’t replicate, so use freely. I always have plenty!

I hope this is helpful for the next time you only have five minutes to spare/left until you have an emotional meltdown. Oh, and when you have more time, say, 45 minutes, I encourage you to do something a little more special. Like, maybe make one of these and throw a potato in the oven.


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