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GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 21)

Having the last word in an argument is important to you, Gemini. You will literally go “cash me owside” girl on everyone’s asses this month. Around the 15th, Mars has got you acting some kind of way, so you best get your nails done extra pointy this month. You know that scene in Ben Hur when the spiked chariot wheel impales all the horses? That’s you. Hey, anyone who tells you to play fair is a sucker, and you don’t need that kind of energy around. The best way to boss the haters is fight someone on Dr. Phil, start a rap career, and then “accidentally” leak your sex tape. Money is the only friend you need anyway.


CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 22)

Your emotions have been all over the place lately, but with Mercury doing a thing on the 6th, you’ll begin to learn to push those bad boys way, wayyy down until the sadness becomes naught but a bowel impaction. Your boss threatening you? Push it down. Your co-workers treating you like dead weight on the team? Push it down. Your dog doesn’t even like you anymore? Push that sucker down. With all that extra weight, you’ll feel super down-to-earth. What feelings? You don’t have any feelings! You are cool as a cucumber. On the 13th, you’ll find the best way to fill the void of emotions is a saunter through your local IKEA or Target, because nothing says “happiness” like quirky, moderately-priced furniture.